Dear Mildred,
You asked me to write to you as soon as I was settled out in the "real world" again. Sorry it's taken a few weeks, but I've been trying to get used to my new life. Its been twenty-five years since I've been free and I'm happy to finally be out.
As soon as I got out, I found my old apartment building and tried to lease another apartment. They won't let me! Even though I'm on medicine now, they're convinced I'm going to kill someone again. I kept telling them : It wasn't my fault the first time. If he hadn't been trying to eat me, my brother would still be alive today. I thought self-defense was legal in this country!
I have to tell you, though, Mildred - I don't think my medication is working properly. I think I'm seeing things that aren't really there again. The other day, I walked into a library, and I saw a bunch of big, bulkie square boxes. They look kind of like televisions, except when you press buttons, magic things happen. Some lady pushed a button, and the thing actually spoke. It said something like "You've got hail". I think I'm going even crazier than I was before.
I would keep writing, but I want to go read. I found a copy of a new book in the library - something the asylum didn't have - Beowulf. I think it's in another language, but I'll figure it out soon enough.
I hope all is well. Say hello to all the not-actually-crazies for me!
Love from Rosie
19 comments:
Dear Rose,
Beowulf?! my my my. That medicine definitely isn't working. Don't you remember that other crazy man who escaped not to long ago burned all references to notable literary works, such as Beowulf and definitely Jane Eyre. Also, those "magic boxes" are called computers. OMG... where have you been. lol.
Also, ask Bob if he knows how many babies it takes to paint a wall red?
Mildred
P.S. OMG and lol mean "oh my god" and "laugh out loud" respectively. get with it.
Dear Mildred,
Rosie told me to tell you how many babies it takes to paint a wall red? Well let's look at it mathematically...
We are assuming that "to paint a wall red" means to soak an 8x10' wall with the blood of the child. Also, we are assuming that each baby holds about 1.5 pints of blood. With 1.5 pints you'd cover about 3 square feet with one coat and 1.5 square feet with two coats. So, considering that for two coats, pints of blood equals square feet, and the wall in question is 80 square feet, you'd need 80 pints of blood. 80 pints divided by 1.5 pints of blood per baby equals to about 53.3 repeating babies, or 54.
Knowing this answer, we have to call into question how one could procure 54 babies without causing a stir. I would try this theory out but I'd end up back at the HICI*. While those men in white suits were nice, and the strait jacket they gave me was mighty comfortable, they all failed to see my plans for the world.
I hope you'll stick around long enough to see my plan in action.
Sincerely,
Bob
*Holly Institute for the Criminally Insane
Dearest Mildred,
How are you? How is the loony bin treating you? Horribly, probably. But anyways, life on the lam isn't all its cracked up to be. I keep having to collect up myself, Darryl, and Anakin and run for it everytime the pigs get on my tail. We never have a day's rest while on our quest.
Speaking of the quest, that's been no picnic either. Trying to eradicate the world of evil has proved to be a tough task. There are so many pieces of propaganda out there promoting the crazy ideas of feminists (and society calls me crazy) and other nonsense. These "books" must be destroyed so the propaganda is not perpetuated and it does not corrupt our descendants.
Uh-oh, here come the Five-O again...gotta run! But wait, first I must find Darryl and Anakin...
Til I can write again,
Bartleby
Dear Bartleby,
Speaking of you quest, it did sort of remind me a book I read a while ago... Celsius 233 or something like that. Anyhow you should get on that book too before people read it and catch on to what you're doing.
And if your looking for Darryl and Anakin, I believe that they're on their way to Mars to check for them "extraterrestrial beings." What nonsense!
-Mildred.
Dear Bob,
I really don't feel like I fit in this world anymore. I guess i got so used to the nice long hallways with shiny floors and perky white walls. I miss the smell of bleach disinfectant that flooded my nostrils everytime i woke up in the morning. Now all i smell is the joice that seeps out of the gutter.
I have not found an apartment. Everywhere I go tells me I need more money. You were always so good at math. I wish you could help me add something to my nothing of savings. Nevertheless, my situation has taken a turn for the better. I have procured a shopping cart from the parking lot of whole foods. Bob. you would be so pleased to hear that I am an entremanor! I use my shopping cart as a sort of home business. It holds all the wonderful things I find in the dumpsters behind the strip mall where I live. You would be shocked at what people throw away- shoes, jewelry, even food. The McDonald's near my corner tosses out whole bagfulls of uneaten french fries at the end of the night. French fries are now my favorite dinner ever!
Anyway, I hope you are progressing with your plans for the world. If you ever need employment, just visit Rosie's gift shop. I bet I would promote you to our number two sales position in a jiff!
Love,
Rosie
Dear Rosie,
If I'm ever allowed out of here, I promise to come help you out with the business.
I'm still doing as much math as I can. I've gotten bored of most of the normal stuff - trig, differential equations, etc. I just finished learning the "Rainman" sequence I started memorizing when you were here. I now win every game of cards I play. Sadly, though, no one wants to play with me anymore :-(
In the meantime, I have come up with a new task to occupy my time -teaching Mildred algebra. You would not beleive how dumb she is - honestly. The girl doesn't understand how a letter can represent a number, but a number cant represent a letter. This is the motherload of all challenges, and it will probably keep me occupied for the rest of my life.
I hope you find an apartment soon. Good luck with your business - you really seemed to have found an interesting economic market to explore!
Bob
Note hastily scribbled on a napkin and slipped in between the bars of Mildred's cell door.
Mildred --
Big news!! I have received word from Bartleby that I am to accompany him on his quest! Just as King Arthur needed Lancelot, Bedevere, Gawain, etc., etc., Bartleby needs me to be his companion. He says I am to come right away. I quickly realized that the imperative nature of this order will have to be ignored because there are currently 4,394 locks on this place (a rough estimate) and 387 yards of barbed wire. Thus I will have to depend on my good idol, Rube Goldberg, to show me the way. I'll have to study his machines and find one that can help me escape from this place. Then it is off to the misty moors to destroy what Bartleby has deemed "propaganda." Ah, what an excellent adventure it will be.
I must run off now so I can begin my rough sketches of my escape plan!
--Bob
Bob,
Can I come? Please please please please please can I come esacape too? I'm bored and lonely and I'll only have Rosie writing to me now.
I know I'm often times very annoying, but I promise to listen you teach Albega now. I'll even admit that maybe x can equal 2! See, I remember something from last time. I'll even starting writing like that. e2citing, isn't it?
I'll meet youi in my cell at 23:00 for escape plans, if you'll have me?
From Mildred
To Whom It May Concern:
You may have thought you could keep me here. You told yourself you were helping me, but you were only delaying the inevitable course of things to come. Your pathetic justifications for your occupation may keep you sleeping soundly in the dead of night, for now. Your sterile white world will soon be smeared with the red blood of innocents (approximately 54 of them).
The only way to change things is to destroy them and start fresh.
I have befriended several employees, mostly through blackmail and my family's weekly check, to procure refridgerant and a chisel. With these tools, Mildred and I will escape to join the quest. You may see the immediate picture, two escaped lunatics on the loose. I assure you, this is not that which you should fear. There is a bigger plan. The only way to change things is to destroy them and start fresh, like Noah and the flood. We are the modern prophets, We will change the world.
Prepare to witness the destruction and rebirth of humanity. By living in this time, we will immortalize you as part of history, our istory. There is a bigger plan.
Sincerely,
Former captive (now escaped) Bob Isaac Heber
Lancelot/BIH:
Report outside dungeon walls at 0300. Do not delay; the imperative nature of our task demands urgent attention. Tell your companion to keep quiet.
-Arthur
Dear Rosie,
I too can breath the fresh air of freedom, but you musn't tell our friends at HICI. It was all terribly exciting. Bob somehow found a way to open my door in the middle of the night. Then we climbed out of a window on the second floor and propelled down the wall with a rope, heavens knows where Bob picked that up. He was always clever though. Actually, he carried me down. I can't really propel. Still, it felt like i was a secret agent in a movie, and it was o so romantic!
Bartleby was waiting with this hideous smelly car. It looks like there are bullet holes in the side! I would ask where he got it, but Bartleby scares me. We are camped out in some muddy swamp now. Bartleby calls it the moors. The insects here bite all night, and the ground is worse than the lumpy matresses at HICI. Bob caught a fish (I think) that he cooked for breakfast. I think it had two or three heads.
Anyway, dear, I hope to see you soon. You may want to avoid the library. Bartleby keeps mumbling about burning books.
Love Always,
Mildred
Rosie,
I want to extend my formal invitation to you to join myself, Bob, and Mildred on my quest. Right now we are camped out on the moors, awaiting the signal for attack. Most unfortunately we do not have the troops necessary to undertake such a task, so I am inviting you to join us. Tomorrow we will meet with the Lady of the Lake (I.E. That old hag who sells drugs by the toxic waste pond outside HICI). If you desire to join us, please rendevous with us there. From that point we will move on to that French stronghold, The Henry Kissinger Memorial Library, in an attempt to bring down their power. Our eventual goal is to unite all of humanity by eradicating all propaganda and literature from society.
In short, meet us at the home of the Lady of the Lake at 0600 hours tomorrow. Follow the shining beacon of Excalibur.
-- Bartleby
Bartleby,
Of course I will meet up with you. However, I have troops of my own who are willing to help the mission. Would you like me to bring them along? I have told them all about you, and your (now our) mission. They say they will follow your command, your every word. Are you interested?
Most of them are homeless folk. They had not been given an education (I'm teaching them my version of Algebra!). They are tired of the educated class telling them to get jobs instead of helping them out. They hope to help you create a new world - - a better world, where they won't be considered the scum of society.
Are you interseted? I can meet you at the H.K. Library later on this evening with them.
Rosie
Rosie,
In the case of non-violent revolutions, my motto has always been 'the more, the merrier,' so please bring along all of the troops you can round up. We, the enlightened ones, must be united in our quest to eradicate propaganda (in the form of books), and those who support it through production or consumption (writing or reading).
I will meet you and your squadron at 0600 at the Lady's shack. Bring your matches.
Bartleby
Squadron 451,
Thank you for volunteering your services in this quest to equalize society through the eradication of propaganda. This is an important and exciting adventure on which you are soon to embark. There are several rules that must be established before you are allowed to meet your fearless leader (Bartleby):
First, you must not talk about Squadron 451. Second, you must unflinchingly follow the orders given you. In this quest, there is no room for insurrection. Third, you must not partake in the writing, distributing, or reading of any propaganda. Disobeying any of these simple rules will earn you a fate worse than that assigned to the books.
We will rendezvous tomorrow at 0600 at The Lady's shack by the HICI toxic lake. Don't wear flammable materials.
Rosie
Bob and Mildred,
I have gone to retrieve the blue prints for the Henry Kissinger Memorial Library from a very special source. These plans will help us more effectively and efficiently destroy the evil contained within the library. Inside this chest you will find many common things: an alarm clock, orange juice concentrate, gasoline, Coca Cola, bug spray, and lots of other goodies. Please use your ingenuity to bend these products' purposes to our will. I will be back by 0530. Hold down the fort till then.
Bartleby
Post a Comment